It's only 5:51AM and it's already been an uplifting day. Waving the white flag usually means surrender well not to me. Here's why: as many of you know I've been dealing with migraine headaches and neck pain for the past 3-4 years on a pretty consistent basis. Finally today, I'm on my way to work this morning in a lot of pain trying to be in a happy mood. I get in the car with an ice pack on my neck, put in my Hillsong CD (christian rock) as I get on the free way turn it track 5 a song called Inside Out talks about praising God and being in his grace from the Inside out. I started crying as I usually do when I'm on to something HUGE. I thought if can surrender my life and will to God it's time to surrender to the pain and ask God to help me deal with it. He heard me.... the pain went away, I feel free because I finally got it. So, the moral of this story: Surrender doesn't mean giving up, it means moving forward to something bigger and better. With God's love and grace anything is possible. I really felt his embrace this morning. In his hands I am NEVER alone.
Take care & God Bless
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Friday, October 16, 2009
Tadpole to Frog--Caterpillar to Butterfly
WOW!!! Hello there it's been almost a full 8 months since my last post. So much has happened lots of changes (hence the title of this blog). Nothing too serious, I met some one in April I got engaged, got a couple new tattoos then got dumped, I bought a new car after 5 years, I had a birthday in August and let me say I have been BORN AGAIN. It's time to tell a story. MY story.
Most of you know I'm a single mother to Kyle (my true gift from GOD). I never planned on being a single mother, I was supposed to be married have the career the house normal stuff right? Yeah well I guess God has a complete different plan for me. I spent over a year in the courts getting a parenting plan set for Kyle (I'm giving you the Reader's Digest version here). Once we were done with the trial in April 2007 I thought I'd be moving on with life getting back to reality instead of the night mare I was living in. When a few months later I got a call from Kyle's older 1/2 sister's mother stating she was moving to GA and needed my help with yet another trial involving Kyle's Dad (parentling plan modification). I had to go testify in court against him. The hardest part was he'd been lying to me for a year about the woman living with him and the fact they'd had a baby together it just opened the wounds that I thought had healed. All 3 mother's and one father in a court room together (it was very awkward). After all was said and done I was on emotional over load and needed a break from the outside world...I went into a depression. I felt like I was in quick sand just to get out of bed and function. I took a short term disability from work to get my life back on track. I was in for a huge surprise I formed a much needed relationship with someone who'd been there all my life but I didn't realize it. GOD such a short name for someone so powerful, I attended a 12-step class to help me manage my life and deal with my separation from God. (life did become more manageable) I started to notice whenever I went through a change during my time off work I would always see a frog on my house. I looked up the meaning of frogs they mean : cleansing and renewal, represent change. I was like OK I need that tattooed on my body somewhere (now I do). After that I noticed someone in the 12 step class had a frog tatt as well she told me it means Forever, Rely, On, God--F.R.O.G.
I went on with life things were ok I was getting by but still something missing. One day early Nov 2008 I had a wonderful spiritual experience. I was shopping at Costco and I found a book more like drawn to it like some force of energy called "The Purpose of Christmas" this is the time of year I love and hate at the same time because my family can't seem to agree in a timely manner on what we are going to do for the holidays....it just becomes a struggle. I brought the book home and read it from cover to cover in a day. 125 pages of the best words I could have read. It got me thinking about the frog and changing. Well, with it being cold out I hadn't seen the frog for awhile, after I started reading the book I decided better check on Kyle and was shocked to see the frog on the back sliding glass door. He was only on the door for about 15 minutes before hopping away into the bushes. It had been from mid Sept to early Nov since I'd seen him that night. Since Frog stands for --Forever Rely On God. It was truly a message from God. The book talks about the real meaning of Christmas that it's a time to celebrate the birth of Jesus, that God loves you, that we all have a purpose. (The frog was IN my house tonight as well as last night)
The Purpose of Christmas lead me to another book by Rick Warren called The Purpose Driven Life. It's 40 days of reflection and direction. I stopped at day 36, put the book away again carrying on with life as I knew it. As I said above I met my now ex fiance in April of 09 and he walked out of my life July 15th Surprisingly enough the force of energy was leading back to The Purpose Driven Life this time I was more open and receptive the words in the book. It talks about living for God and doing Gods work. It says somewhere it's not enough to just believe in God you need to put His will into motion. (I'm just summarizing here) Find a church and become accountable.
I was reflecting on my best friend Sarah's life and all the things she'd been through she found a wonderful husband, great kids, seemingly happy with life. If she had lemons thrown at her she'd make lemonade. I wanted what she had! What did she have that I didn't?---faith and church. She'd invited me several times, I graciously declined. Other people had invited me to their church but I knew better (ha ha jokes on me) I came up with every excuse not to go.
Finally August 30, 2009 I had planned to go check out Sarah's church. She even made a CD for me for my birthday of the songs they sing during Worship. Sunday 8.30.2009 I woke up feeling good --church started at 11 I was watching the clock and the closer it got to the time I was supposed to leave I started the old habit again as to why I shouldn't/couldn't go--Kyle was being difficult, I had a migraine etc. Finally, I threw my hands in the air told myself just get dressed, get yourself ready, Kyle's stuff packed and go.
I did just that, got Kyle's stuff and got in the car. OMG! I shrieked I'm almost out of gas ..I'm thinking is this a sign I shouldn't go....NO I can make it to the gas station. Kyle is in the back seat just talk talk talk...I get to the gas station it's full and I can't get to the pump. Kyle again starts talking to me as I'm trying to think of what to do next I yelled at him to be quiet out of anger, as soon as those words left my mouth he started crying I felt like the worst mother ever. I hear a little voice whisper to me. "Anger is one letter away from danger you are letting your anger get in the way of where you are trying to go, just keep driving." I headed for the freeway as I'm putting in the CD Sarah gave me getting to track 18 titled "Jesus take the Wheel" by Carrie Underwood the words are she was running low on faith and gasoline (ha ha how fitting) I turned the song up as loud as I could (without making Kyle's eardrums burst) and sang the song. We made it to the gas station fine then headed for Connection Point Church. I was feeling great now smiling and laughing then out of nowhere just started crying...I couldn't stop. I'm driving and trying to compose myself not sure what is happening. I didn't want people at church to see me cry then realized who cares it's church you know these people (from work). They love you and it doesn't matter---I surrendered to it, this was out of my control. I'm going to a place I NEED to be.
When I walked in Sarah was rehearsing for worship. WOW!!!! I was composed until I walked in, she took my breath away and I started to cry yet again when Pastor Aaron came up and gave a hug. I was super teary eyed during worship I tried to sing the best I could. Composed myself again I was feeling good ---then Aaron got up to deliver his sermon. It was like God was talking directly to me through Aaron.
After the sermon I told Aaron what happened during the process of me getting to church, he asked me "do you want me to pray for you?" without hesitation I said "yes." He put his hand on my head, Will (Sarah's husband) put one hand on one shoulder and Kip (one of my favorite bosses)put his hand on my other shoulder. Aaron said a few words of prayer just for me. AMEN! We all hugged it was a blessed day. Connection Point Church is a life changing experience. I have only missed 1 Sunday since starting. We are a small congregation but we are growing by loving each other an our church.
I'm saying this LOUD and PROUD...God and Church are very much a part of mine and Kyle's life. I'm striving to live my life by Gods will not my own(progress not perfection) to make better choices not just for me but for Kyle to teach him a better way.
You can pray for anything, and if you have faith you will receive it. Matthew 21:22
O Lord I give my life to you. I trust in you my God. Do not let me be disgraced or let my enemies rejoice in my defeat. No one who trusts in you will ever be disgraced, but disgrace comes to those who try to deceive others. Psalms 25:1-3
The journey from our head to our heart is often the longest and the toughest. I'm excited about life and the journey I'm on.
Love to you all
God Bless
Most of you know I'm a single mother to Kyle (my true gift from GOD). I never planned on being a single mother, I was supposed to be married have the career the house normal stuff right? Yeah well I guess God has a complete different plan for me. I spent over a year in the courts getting a parenting plan set for Kyle (I'm giving you the Reader's Digest version here). Once we were done with the trial in April 2007 I thought I'd be moving on with life getting back to reality instead of the night mare I was living in. When a few months later I got a call from Kyle's older 1/2 sister's mother stating she was moving to GA and needed my help with yet another trial involving Kyle's Dad (parentling plan modification). I had to go testify in court against him. The hardest part was he'd been lying to me for a year about the woman living with him and the fact they'd had a baby together it just opened the wounds that I thought had healed. All 3 mother's and one father in a court room together (it was very awkward). After all was said and done I was on emotional over load and needed a break from the outside world...I went into a depression. I felt like I was in quick sand just to get out of bed and function. I took a short term disability from work to get my life back on track. I was in for a huge surprise I formed a much needed relationship with someone who'd been there all my life but I didn't realize it. GOD such a short name for someone so powerful, I attended a 12-step class to help me manage my life and deal with my separation from God. (life did become more manageable) I started to notice whenever I went through a change during my time off work I would always see a frog on my house. I looked up the meaning of frogs they mean : cleansing and renewal, represent change. I was like OK I need that tattooed on my body somewhere (now I do). After that I noticed someone in the 12 step class had a frog tatt as well she told me it means Forever, Rely, On, God--F.R.O.G.
I went on with life things were ok I was getting by but still something missing. One day early Nov 2008 I had a wonderful spiritual experience. I was shopping at Costco and I found a book more like drawn to it like some force of energy called "The Purpose of Christmas" this is the time of year I love and hate at the same time because my family can't seem to agree in a timely manner on what we are going to do for the holidays....it just becomes a struggle. I brought the book home and read it from cover to cover in a day. 125 pages of the best words I could have read. It got me thinking about the frog and changing. Well, with it being cold out I hadn't seen the frog for awhile, after I started reading the book I decided better check on Kyle and was shocked to see the frog on the back sliding glass door. He was only on the door for about 15 minutes before hopping away into the bushes. It had been from mid Sept to early Nov since I'd seen him that night. Since Frog stands for --Forever Rely On God. It was truly a message from God. The book talks about the real meaning of Christmas that it's a time to celebrate the birth of Jesus, that God loves you, that we all have a purpose. (The frog was IN my house tonight as well as last night)
The Purpose of Christmas lead me to another book by Rick Warren called The Purpose Driven Life. It's 40 days of reflection and direction. I stopped at day 36, put the book away again carrying on with life as I knew it. As I said above I met my now ex fiance in April of 09 and he walked out of my life July 15th Surprisingly enough the force of energy was leading back to The Purpose Driven Life this time I was more open and receptive the words in the book. It talks about living for God and doing Gods work. It says somewhere it's not enough to just believe in God you need to put His will into motion. (I'm just summarizing here) Find a church and become accountable.
I was reflecting on my best friend Sarah's life and all the things she'd been through she found a wonderful husband, great kids, seemingly happy with life. If she had lemons thrown at her she'd make lemonade. I wanted what she had! What did she have that I didn't?---faith and church. She'd invited me several times, I graciously declined. Other people had invited me to their church but I knew better (ha ha jokes on me) I came up with every excuse not to go.
Finally August 30, 2009 I had planned to go check out Sarah's church. She even made a CD for me for my birthday of the songs they sing during Worship. Sunday 8.30.2009 I woke up feeling good --church started at 11 I was watching the clock and the closer it got to the time I was supposed to leave I started the old habit again as to why I shouldn't/couldn't go--Kyle was being difficult, I had a migraine etc. Finally, I threw my hands in the air told myself just get dressed, get yourself ready, Kyle's stuff packed and go.
I did just that, got Kyle's stuff and got in the car. OMG! I shrieked I'm almost out of gas ..I'm thinking is this a sign I shouldn't go....NO I can make it to the gas station. Kyle is in the back seat just talk talk talk...I get to the gas station it's full and I can't get to the pump. Kyle again starts talking to me as I'm trying to think of what to do next I yelled at him to be quiet out of anger, as soon as those words left my mouth he started crying I felt like the worst mother ever. I hear a little voice whisper to me. "Anger is one letter away from danger you are letting your anger get in the way of where you are trying to go, just keep driving." I headed for the freeway as I'm putting in the CD Sarah gave me getting to track 18 titled "Jesus take the Wheel" by Carrie Underwood the words are she was running low on faith and gasoline (ha ha how fitting) I turned the song up as loud as I could (without making Kyle's eardrums burst) and sang the song. We made it to the gas station fine then headed for Connection Point Church. I was feeling great now smiling and laughing then out of nowhere just started crying...I couldn't stop. I'm driving and trying to compose myself not sure what is happening. I didn't want people at church to see me cry then realized who cares it's church you know these people (from work). They love you and it doesn't matter---I surrendered to it, this was out of my control. I'm going to a place I NEED to be.
When I walked in Sarah was rehearsing for worship. WOW!!!! I was composed until I walked in, she took my breath away and I started to cry yet again when Pastor Aaron came up and gave a hug. I was super teary eyed during worship I tried to sing the best I could. Composed myself again I was feeling good ---then Aaron got up to deliver his sermon. It was like God was talking directly to me through Aaron.
After the sermon I told Aaron what happened during the process of me getting to church, he asked me "do you want me to pray for you?" without hesitation I said "yes." He put his hand on my head, Will (Sarah's husband) put one hand on one shoulder and Kip (one of my favorite bosses)put his hand on my other shoulder. Aaron said a few words of prayer just for me. AMEN! We all hugged it was a blessed day. Connection Point Church is a life changing experience. I have only missed 1 Sunday since starting. We are a small congregation but we are growing by loving each other an our church.
I'm saying this LOUD and PROUD...God and Church are very much a part of mine and Kyle's life. I'm striving to live my life by Gods will not my own(progress not perfection) to make better choices not just for me but for Kyle to teach him a better way.
You can pray for anything, and if you have faith you will receive it. Matthew 21:22
O Lord I give my life to you. I trust in you my God. Do not let me be disgraced or let my enemies rejoice in my defeat. No one who trusts in you will ever be disgraced, but disgrace comes to those who try to deceive others. Psalms 25:1-3
The journey from our head to our heart is often the longest and the toughest. I'm excited about life and the journey I'm on.
Love to you all
God Bless
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
So Confused!
I don't even know where to start... how about this it's been awhile since I've written. Lots of stuff going on. I'm mostly writing to vent my frustration about LIFE in general. OK I know everyone has their issues and that's fine. As most of you know I keep everyone at arms length. In other words I don't let people get close to me because the second I do WHAM!!!!!! I get hurt. I'm so tired of opening up to someone letting them know how I feel then they either walk out of my life or they ignore me...treat me like a piece of shit on the ground.
I ask GOD every single day what did I do to deserve this? Is this the way it's going to go for the rest of my life. I mean is everyone around me going to get married 2 & 3 times before I ever get a chance to experience it once? I don't get it I just don't. Am I supposed to be strong for everyone else? Am I supposed to just roll over and let people tell me how they feel about me then they just ignore me.....I JUST DON'T GET IT. All the while they are hiding what's really going on and are not honest with me. Don't tell me what you think I want to hear tell me truth dammit!
I've prayed for guidance and direction only leading back to once path and that's the path to clam up, isolate and not put myself out there. Come on people you know who are you. My heart CANNOT take any more hurt or disappointment.
Let's talk about trust...who can you really trust? Family, friends, ...who I ask. I trust NO ONE at this point in time. God, okay God I do trust...He doesn't talk trash about me or tell my private business to others. He doesn't discount my feelings. Oh and he never leaves me when I need him the most. He's always a great friend, always listens to me and never says "I'm too busy for you" I guess I got the answer to all my questions in this VENT session.
With God I'm NEVER alone, I always have trust, and I better build a strong relationship with HIM. If you really want to be in my life prove it to me. Put up or shut up is all I have to say.
Take care and thank you for reading.
I ask GOD every single day what did I do to deserve this? Is this the way it's going to go for the rest of my life. I mean is everyone around me going to get married 2 & 3 times before I ever get a chance to experience it once? I don't get it I just don't. Am I supposed to be strong for everyone else? Am I supposed to just roll over and let people tell me how they feel about me then they just ignore me.....I JUST DON'T GET IT. All the while they are hiding what's really going on and are not honest with me. Don't tell me what you think I want to hear tell me truth dammit!
I've prayed for guidance and direction only leading back to once path and that's the path to clam up, isolate and not put myself out there. Come on people you know who are you. My heart CANNOT take any more hurt or disappointment.
Let's talk about trust...who can you really trust? Family, friends, ...who I ask. I trust NO ONE at this point in time. God, okay God I do trust...He doesn't talk trash about me or tell my private business to others. He doesn't discount my feelings. Oh and he never leaves me when I need him the most. He's always a great friend, always listens to me and never says "I'm too busy for you" I guess I got the answer to all my questions in this VENT session.
With God I'm NEVER alone, I always have trust, and I better build a strong relationship with HIM. If you really want to be in my life prove it to me. Put up or shut up is all I have to say.
Take care and thank you for reading.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
GOD really does talk to us.
I had a wonderful spiritual experience couple weekends ago. I was shopping at Costco and I found a book more like drawn to it like some force of energy called "The Purpose of Christmas" this is the time of year I love and hate at the same time because my family can't seem to agree in a timely manner on what we are going to do for the holidays....it just becomes a struggle. I brought the book home and read it from cover to cover in a day. 125 pages of the best words I could have read. Many of you know whenever I went through a change in the past or longer I would always see a frog on my Mom's house. (Hence, why I have the FROG tattoo on my arm). Well, with it being cold out the frog went away, I hadn't seen him for awhile after I started reading the book when I decided better check on Kyle and was shocked to see the frog on the back sliding glass door. He was only on the door for about 15 minutes before hopping away into the bushes. I haven't seen him since but, I know he's there.
Frog stands for Fully or Forever, Rely, On, God. It was truly a message from God. The book talks about the real meaning of Christmas that it's a time to celebrate the birth of Jesus, that God loves you, that we all have a purpose. I can't even talk about the book without getting choked up. It was so powerful.
The following is what triggered all of this...
The following is what triggered all of this...
I've been doing everything in my power to be civil to Kyle's father and his family, be accommodating to let them see Kyle. The weekend of Nov 8th I had a visit planned for his parents NOT Travis... but his parents to come to my Mom's for a visit. Something started to feel uneasy about it so I canceled stating perhaps another time (it's been 6 months since Travis' parents have seen Kyle and 14 months since Travis has seen Kyle). I found myself very angry not just at them for whatever, but at myself for thinking that anything was going to change. Jay & Cee (Kyle's paternal grandparents) have never agreed to come see Kyle in our home. After I canceled Cee called Mom which was very upsetting to my mom, I wasn't home but I called Cee later to discuss her conversation with Mom and my reasons for canceling. It was an 8 min 54 sec call which ended with Cee hanging up on me. I then called my attorney to schedule an appointment to find out if there was anything I could do to get them out of Kyle's and my life for good. He pretty much said my parenting plan was "restricted" as much as it could be however if Tee wants to see Kyle after the first of the year as our plan states I can petition for Tee to go to counseling and have him do all the court ordered stuff he was to have already done but hasn't. As far has Jay & Cee well as grandparents they have NO rights in the state of WA. In a nutshell after all this time I thought I'd moved past this and worked through it. I am no longer having any contact with Kyle's other family and they will not being seeing Kyle. I don't even want to talk about them after this because it makes me physically sick.
NOTE: some of the names have been changed to protect their privacy.
Thank you for reading
NOTE: some of the names have been changed to protect their privacy.
Thank you for reading
Sunday, October 5, 2008
Cleaning out the Clutter!
Not the kind of clutter you are thinking. I'm talking about mental clutter, thoughts and ideas that are no longer useful. There comes a time in our lives when it's time to rid our minds of old thoughts---negative ideas that are no longer working. Put new positive thoughts in our brain, easier said than done I know. I'm doing it working every day to change my thoughts so far it's working. I'm feeling stronger than ever before.
I'm also finding it necessary to rid myself of people who are not anything for me. People who call themselves my friends. When I pick up the phone to call them they aren't available when I really need some one, or they start talking about themselves and their issues. Okay fine I'm willing to listen but "HELLO" I called you for a reason.
My latest thing is "my so-called friends" asking me to do something on a weekend then no call and plans. What the hell and you say you are my friend. I guess after the 1st time I should have known better, 2nd time and I'm just plain silly to think it's EVER going to happen and the 3rd time well that's it 3 strikes and YOUR OUT! If you were a true friend you wouldn't ask me to do something then back out with no call. Oh wait when you do call all I hear are excuses of being too busy...well maybe you are just too busy for my friendship. I don't know but, I'm not a door mat please don't treat me as such. You could try to make it up to me but, that isn't necessary. In my opinion just be there like you said you would be in the first place. I've had enough negativity and disappointment in my life. It's time for me to move past that and be happy. I DESERVE IT!!!!!!!
Oh the post about friendship and the person I said I'd want her friendship back. Well, after careful consideration...no I wouldn't want her back as a friend. She wasn't a friend to begin with if she can walk out of my life, calling me names and being nasty to me with no explanation she wasn't a friend to begin with.
If you want to be in my life and be my friend great I am here with open arms. If not that's fine too. I wish you well and hope life treats you kind.
"The only people you need in your life are the ones that PROVE they need you theirs"
I'm also finding it necessary to rid myself of people who are not anything for me. People who call themselves my friends. When I pick up the phone to call them they aren't available when I really need some one, or they start talking about themselves and their issues. Okay fine I'm willing to listen but "HELLO" I called you for a reason.
My latest thing is "my so-called friends" asking me to do something on a weekend then no call and plans. What the hell and you say you are my friend. I guess after the 1st time I should have known better, 2nd time and I'm just plain silly to think it's EVER going to happen and the 3rd time well that's it 3 strikes and YOUR OUT! If you were a true friend you wouldn't ask me to do something then back out with no call. Oh wait when you do call all I hear are excuses of being too busy...well maybe you are just too busy for my friendship. I don't know but, I'm not a door mat please don't treat me as such. You could try to make it up to me but, that isn't necessary. In my opinion just be there like you said you would be in the first place. I've had enough negativity and disappointment in my life. It's time for me to move past that and be happy. I DESERVE IT!!!!!!!
Oh the post about friendship and the person I said I'd want her friendship back. Well, after careful consideration...no I wouldn't want her back as a friend. She wasn't a friend to begin with if she can walk out of my life, calling me names and being nasty to me with no explanation she wasn't a friend to begin with.
If you want to be in my life and be my friend great I am here with open arms. If not that's fine too. I wish you well and hope life treats you kind.
"The only people you need in your life are the ones that PROVE they need you theirs"
Saturday, October 4, 2008
I Miss you
"I MISS YOU"
Do not say you miss me
I am not gone
I AM RIGHT HERE
Your words "I miss you"
"I want to see you"
fall on my deaf ears
if they had meaning
your actions I could hear
Do not say you miss me
I am not gone
I AM RIGHT HERE
Your words "I miss you"
"I want to see you"
fall on my deaf ears
if they had meaning
your actions I could hear
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